Scientologists to Taylor Swift: Join Our Freaky Space Cult! | Wireler
When us common folks discover ourselves overcome by the occasional wave of existential dread, we now have numerous choices for tamping down the fear.
Some people flip to Jesus, others to a fifth of Maker’s Mark, and little question numerous people — residents of Kentucky, principally — get pleasure from a heady cocktail of equal elements divine salvation and blackout-inducing hooch.
The similar is true of Hollywood A-listers, besides their numbing agent preferences run extra towards cocaine and the homespun knowledge of Mr. L. Ron Hubbard.
Hubbard, as it’s possible you’ll know, is the founding father of Scientology, and a few have described him as probably the most highly effective man in Hollywood.
Sure, he is been useless for 33 years, however Hubbard’s followers imagine he is “still with us” within the non secular sense and commonly performs miracles like convincing the plenty that Tom Cruise is taller than 5’four”.
Countless celebrities are already beneath the sway of Ghost Hubbard and the alien overlord Xenu, who populated Earth with human souls 75 million years in the past.
(We’re not joking. This is basically what Scientologists imagine.)
But Scientology’s starvation for human souls is sort of as highly effective as L. Ron Hubbard’s — and it appears the CoS has already set its sights on their subsequent A-list
Yes, in accordance to a brand new report from Radar Online, Scientology officers are extra obsessive about Taylor Swift than 14-year-old lady who simply received dumped for the primary time.
“The church would be thrilled to have someone like Taylor with her massive fan base to attract new, younger members,” a supply tells the location.
And apparently, CoS officers noticed a gap once they realized that Taylor just lately despatched a video message to actress and lifelong Scientologist Elisabeth Moss.
“Taylor was responding to an interview Elisabeth had given where she said that she listens to Taylor’s music in her dressing room,” says the insider.
“When she viewed the video, Elisabeth’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and she sent a message to Taylor saying, ‘Taylor, I’m free to hang out anytime!’”
Yes, like a drug pusher in a ’90s afterschool particular, these intergalactic loonies strategy you as a buddy, and the subsequent factor you understand, you are writing a six-figure examine to have your thetans cleansed, or some sh-t.
“Now that Elisabeth has made a connection with Taylor, it will be her job to get Taylor to trust her and slowly sell her on the benefits of Scientology,” the supply provides.
“But even when she doesn’t, Elisabeth has already scored a win by having Taylor buddy up to a Scientologist.
“The church loves that sort of optimistic press.”
What is it with the perimeter weirdos of American society attempting to declare Taylor as their very own?
First, the MAGA crowd tried to drive itself on Swift, and now the Hubbardites are trying to beam her up.
If that is the worth of fame, we’ll persist with dwelling out the rest of our unhappy lives in complete obscurity, thanks very a lot.